The 10-step Program For Reforming Villains
by NarutoRox
Summary: Ever wonder what happens to your favorite villains, once they've been killed off or written out of their series? Well, the Akatsuki are about to find out...with the help of two very troublesome therapists that simply don't know when to quit and their 10-step program for 'reforming' the Akatsuki. Uh-oh.
1. The 10-step Program

**AN: **While looking through some old Naruto fanfiction I had written over the years, trying to see if anything looked worth publishing, I came across this partially written little tidbit. It looked like fun, so I set about fixing it up, editing, and rewriting it to suit my tastes now...and this was the result. I was going to wait to publish it, but then I thought 'What the heck?' So here it is. Apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes, for it seems no matter how vigilant I am, a few always slip through the cracks.

I also want to note that this takes place as if the characters know that they are anime and manga characters...not really AU, per say, as far as the storyline goes, but at the same time maybe a little. I'm not quite sure how to describe it...you'll have to read and see. :) Also, if you haven't been keeping up with the most recent Naruto manga, this will probably contain some spoilers of some sort.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, evidenced by the fact several characters that never should have died did. However, I DO own the two ridiculous OC's in this fic...who shall be named below.

**Summary: **Ever wonder what happens to your favorite villains, once they've been killed off or written out of their series? Well, the Akatsuki are about to find out...in a support group?! That's right, the Akatsuki join a special support group for villains, run by two very troublesome therapists, hell-bent on 'helping' them through these trying times. 'Help' may or may not include a 10-step program for 'reforming' them. May contain random cameos from other anime villains!

* * *

"This is so _stupid_." Deidara growled.

Next to him, Sasori rolled his eyes.

They, along with the rest of the Akatsuki (Well, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, and Pain, anyway), were seated in a few cheap plastic chairs, all arranged in a circle so that they were forced to look at one another. Though at the moment, they were all staring at the smiling, sheepish man at the 'head' of the circle.

He had tiny little spectacles on, though he had yet to open his eyes the whole ten minutes he'd been there, and was starting to sweat-drop from the evil, scrutinizing glares the Akatsuki were giving him.

"W-well, I was trying to wait until my assistant got here, but she seems to be running a little, so I suppose we can start without her..." the man said, laughing nervously. "I'm Dr. Mendo, and I'm sure you're all aware why you're here, but I think it's best if we all introduce ourselves, and-"

A door slammed, and everyone turned to see a woman with brown hair in a bun standing by it. "Sorry I'm late. I had to take care of the Arancar report." she said in a dull monotone, adjusting her glasses, which were huge and over-sized, like they were making up for Dr. Mendo's tiny ones. "I didn't think any of them would show up on time anyway. I'm assuming I didn't miss anything." She said her question like it was a statement, then walked up behind Dr. Mendo, and just stood there.

"No, no, I was just starting!" said Mendo, looking relieved. "Alright, everyone, this is my assistant, Miss Kusai. Now that she's here, we can get down to business, so-"

"Your names are actually _Mendo _and _Kusai_?" asked Hidan incredulously.

"Um, yes. Why?" said Mendo, looking a little puzzled. The rest of the Akatsuki all stared at him a minute in disbelief.

"That's a confidence booster." muttered Sasori, leaning back in his chair.

"Uh, yes, anyway, as I was saying," Mendo said, still seeming a little puzzled. "Now, I know you all know why you're here, but I always find it better for the group as a whole if we voice our objectives and goals up front, so...Who can tell me why we're here?" he said, beaming at the group.

They all continued to stare at him, all with looks that clearly said 'You must be joking'. He made a little 'go on' motion with his hand and continued to beam at them, until Kakuzu said "Because Leader made us."

There were several nods from a few of the others. Mendo looked a little disappointed, then looked at Pain (who was in his real body), like he expected him to answer him now.

When he didn't, Itachi slowly raised his hand. "Yes, Itachi?" said Mendo, looking delighted.

Itachi sighed, and looked for minute like he wasn't going to answer, but eventually said "Because we're out of a job, and the others were starting to threaten to _really _kill us if we didn't come here and get out of their hair."

Mendo sweat-dropped. "That's...not precisely the answer I was looking for, though from your standpoint, I suppose that's an accurate statement."

"Accurate? Please. I'm just here because Leader said we had to be, and I have nothing better to do, yeah." sniffed Deidara.

Mendo looked intently at him (or as intently as he could without opening his eyes). "But Deidara, weren't you just saying how stupid this all was a few minutes ago?" he asked.

"It _is _stupid! I just don't have anything better to do!" Deidara snapped back angrily.

"More like nothing to do at all." sneered Hidan.

"Last I checked, you were stuck here too, hmmm?" Deidara retorted.

Hidan started to stand up, likely to punch Deidara while simultaneously showering him with colorful insults, but Kusai interrupted him.

"You're all here because you're _all_ jobless has-beens with nothing better to do." she said in her curt monotone.

"Miss Kusai!" Dr. Mendo protested as the Akatsuki all gave her shocked looks.

She shook her head. "They're clearly still in denial. They're going to have to face the music eventually. That's what they're here for." she said calmly. "This is a support group for villains that are no longer relevant to their series; who have been written out or killed off; who no longer play an important role, and are therefore now _completely useless_ to their series."

They all flinched at the slight emphasis she put on those words, but she carried on.

"In short, you're all here because Kishimoto decided to kill you off, and you're driving the remaining characters crazy, so they sent you to us. Attendance mandatory."

"It's not fair!" protested Deidara. "I was one of the favorite Akatsuki members, how come someone like Kisame gets to last for so much longer than me, hmmm?!"

"At least you weren't one of the first ones out." snapped Sasori. "I was killed by my Grandma, for God's sake!."

"I had no back story..." grumbled Kakuzu quietly.

"What's not fair is having to give up your prized sword to that rapping imbecile, that's what's not fair." complained Kisame.

"I was supposed to be immortal!" fumed Hidan loudly.

"I still get mentioned a lot, and people love me." said Itachi, sounding oddly content.

Konan and Pain both remained silent, though Konan's lower lip quivered slightly.

The rest continued their tirade, shouting at the world, Kishimoto, and each other in frustration until Mendo blew into a whistle that was fastened around his neck.

"This is good!" he called, as they all quieted down and took their seats again. "This is very good indeed, this means you're all getting all your frustrations out and into the air. The first step to success is acknowledgement. Now, I know you're all very upset right now but..."

He smiled at them. They didn't return the favor. He carried on anyway.

"But, I think this is the start of a new chapter of your lives! Think of all the places you'll go now! And with our help, and our special program, I think-"

"Special program?" Pain spoke for the first time. "What 'special program'? I wasn't informed of this..."

Mendo beamed. "Why, Dr. Mendo's 10-step Program for Reforming Villains! It's worked wonders on villains of all kinds, from all sorts of different series! Complete all 10 steps, and you'll be fit for modern society in no time!"

"...10-step...program..." Konan said slowly.

"For 'reforming' villains?" Sasori finished, in what sounded very close to horror.

"Yes! And you've all been signed up!" said Mendo cheerfully.

"Whether you want to be or not. Attendance mandatory." Kusai repeated, deadpan.

It was definitely horror on the each of the Akatsuki's faces now.

* * *

**AN: **If you don't know what Mendo and Kusai's names mean...well, when said together, they tend to make up one of Shikamaru's favorite phrases. ;)

I'm doing this purely for fun, so updates will probably be completely random and on a whim...though if I see I'm getting a lot of reviews, that always tends to guilt me into updating faster. Reviews are always appreciated! ^_^


	2. Why You Became a Villain

**AN: **Hello again! :) I decided to go ahead and post this, though updates on this aren't likely to be this close together in future, just to warn you.

But anyway, I forgot to mention this last chapter, but reading and studying one highschool Psychology textbook, no matter how interesting, does not qualify me to make accurate Psychological evaluations of people, even fictional anime villains. So anything I write or Dr. Mendo says that sounds halfway intelligent on the topic is purely coincidental and a complete accident, I assure you. ;)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, and sadly never will, though I do own Mendo and Kusai.

* * *

Step 1: Acknowledgement

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"Now, this is the very first step in our program." said Dr. Mendo, still sounding unbelievably cheerful.

They were all now seated on tatami mats on the floor, still in a circle (with the exception of Miss Kusai, who was sitting leaning up against the wall, scribbling in a notebook), each with a cup of (mostly untouched) tea in front of them. 'For comfort' had been Dr. Mendo's explanation, though the Akatsuki was still feeling far from comfortable.

"This step is also one of the most important, as well." Mendo continued. "For it will help us see how you got to this point to begin with."

"That's easy, I blew myself up." muttered Deidara.

Though Kusai looked up at him for a second before returning to writing in her notebook, Dr. Mendo either didn't hear him or was choosing to ignore him. Most of them assumed the former.

"This step: Acknowledging Why You Became A Villain."

"You _must _be joking." sighed Kisame.

Again, Kusai's gaze flicked to him briefly, though she didn't pause in her writing. It was a little unnerving.

"Now, you will each take turns stating your names and why you think you became a villain. If it's something you're not sure of, we'll all talk it out as a group and see if we can delve deeper into the meaning." said Mendo, apparently completely unaware of the disgusted looks he was getting. "For example: 'I'm Dr. Mendo, and I became a doctor because I like helping people'. Just swap my name for yours, and 'doctor' for villain, okay? Who's first?"

Eight pairs of eyes glared at him. He really was oblivious to how much they wanted to kill him, wasn't he?

"How about you, Sasori?"

Sasori blinked at him. "Pass." he said.

"Now now, you can't pass. Everyone has to do this exercise." said Mendo in what they assumed was supposed to be a stern voice.

Sasori raised his eyebrows, then sighed dramatically and said "I have to think about the question, and sort out my feelings on the matter first. Can't you come back to me?"

Deidara gave him an incredulous look, but Mendo lapped it up. "Of course! We'll come back to you when you're ready. How about you, Deidara?" Sasori smirked at him.

Deidara bristled. "That's a stupid question. They asked me to join the Akatsuki, didn't they, hmmm?"

Mendo shook his head. "I didn't ask you why you joined the Akatsuki, I asked you why you became a villain. Use the statement with your name, please."

"What difference does it make, hmmm?!"

"It's important to your understanding and developement to put it in a simple statement with your name, thus helping us define it with your identity." said Mendo, nodding sagely. "Come now, your partner wasn't being difficult."

"Yeah, Deidara, don't be difficult." snickered Sasori. Deidara shot him a furious look, then turned it to Mendo.

"Fine." he said through gritted teeth. "If it will make you leave me alone. My name is Deidara, and I became a villain because I like blowing things up. There, you happy?"

Mendo nodded slowly. "Now, why would liking to blow things up classify you as a villain?"

"Uh, because it's _blowing things up_. You know, like 'kaboom'?" said Hidan, waving his arms a little for emphasis.

"Yes, but just because you like that sort of thing, it doesn't make you a villain." Mendo pointed out.

"Do you usually come to work high?" Hidan asked conversationally.

"It does the way I like it, yeah." said Deidara, answering Dr. Mendo.

Mendo ignored Hidan, and nodded at Deidara. "I see, so it's your, we'll say 'unhealthy', obsession with pyromania that turned you to the tide of villainy?" he asked very seriously.

"If I say yes, will you leave me alone and go on to someone else?" asked Deidara, a vein pulsing in his head.

Mendo sighed. "It's a start, we'll go back to it. Miss Kusai, put that down. Now, who's next? Any volunteers? No? How about you, Itachi?"

The Uchiha looked up from sipping his tea, a bored expression on his face. "Hn?"

"You're next. Go on!" he said, making a little 'go ahead' motion with his hand.

Itachi raised his eyebrows a fraction, then nodded, seemingly to himself, and stood up. He gave the room at large a long look, then announced "My name is Itachi Uchiha, and if you want to know why I became a villain then you should watch the Naruto anime or refer to the manga."

He nodded to everyone, then sat down and continued sipping his tea.

Several people snickered while Mendo blinked in confusion.

Eventually he seemed to realize he had been played, and grumpily told the next person to take their turn. Unfortunately for him, the rest of the Akatsuki decided to follow Itachi's example, and proceeded to give sarcastic (and yet mostly honest) responses as well.

"My name is Kakuzu, and I became a villain because the pay was good."

"My name is Nagato, also known as Pain, and I became a villain because Danzo is an ass."

"My name is Hidan, and I became a villain because killing people is fun."

"My name is Konan, and I became a villain because Nagato did as well."

"My name is Kisame, and I became a villain because I damn well felt like it."

Mendo gave a long-suffering sigh, his hand over his face, then turned to Sasori. "How about you? Are you ready to answer yet?"

Sasori smiled lazily. "Why, of course. Ahem." He stood up and gave Mendo a creepy smirk, and said "My name is Sasori, and I became a villain because apparently, it is frowned upon in this society to kill and turn people into puppets for use as your own deadly weapon. Or for fun. Go figure."

He stared at Mendo for a few seconds longer, and then sat down. To his credit, Mendo didn't seem fazed or (too) freaked out. He just nodded and looked over at Kusai.

"Get all that?" he asked.

She gave a swift nod of her head, then stood up to stand behind Mendo. She looked down briefly to consult her notes, then looked back up and pointed at Deidara.

"Pyromaniac." she said, before pointing at Itachi. "Masochist with a little brother complex." Konan. "Low self-esteem." Pain. "God complex." Kakuzu. "Greedy sadist." Hidan. "Homicidal Sociopath." Kisame. "Weird." Sasori. "Self-image issues."

They all stared at her, insulted. "In short, bat-shit crazy." she finished. Her dull tone never changed the entire time she had been talking.

"I don't have self-image issues!" fumed Sasori in outrage.

"I just get 'weird'?" Kisame protested, sounding oddly hurt.

" 'Bout cover's it." said Hidan with a yawn.

Kusai shrugged and sat back down.

"Well, now that we have all of that out into the open, we can work on it together! And then, when we all feel comfortable enough, we can move onto the next step!" Mendo said, clapping his hands together once.

"Dare I ask what that may be?" Itachi said warily.

It was Kusai that answered him.

"Learning How To Cope With Your Frustrations In A Positive Way."

"I'm guessing 'blow them up' isn't positive, is it?" Deidara asked.

"Killing them probably isn't, either." Kakuzu rumbled in agreement.

"Is there more tea?" sighed Itachi, as beside him Kisame continued to complain loudly about being branded weird.

* * *

**AN: **Oh, dear. I wonder how long before the attempts on Mendo and Kusai's lives start. ^_^'

Special Thanks to MeiMeiaru8 and Crazydoglover for reviewing the last chapter. We all still love the Akatsuki, MeiMeiaru8, and I'm fond of Itachi, too. And don't worry, I yell at the two of them all the time. ;) And Crazydoglover, thank you so much for your support, and don't worry, the torture, I mean program, is going to be a 'fun' ride for the Akatsuki. Okay, probably not for them, but I'm certainly enjoying it. ^_^

Again, reviews are always appreciated! :)


	3. 10 Ways to Kill Your Therapists

**AN: **Here's another update for you! :) Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, followed, and added to their favorites! You guys rock! And thank you to everyone who took so well to Mendo and Kusai, I'm glad you all like them. ^_^

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill. I don't own Naruto, which is a shame, but I do own Mendo and Kusai.

* * *

After nearly a week of 'talking about their feelings on why they became a villain', Dr. Mendo finally decided that they were all ready for Step 2, Learning How To Cope With Your Frustrations In a Positive Way.

Well, probably more likely he was getting tired of the Akatsuki completely disregarding the exercises and dropping not so subtle hints about the terrible ways they wished to torture him. However, after Konan had burst into tears one afternoon, wailing that her life was over and had been wasted on meaningless tasks that overall accomplished nothing (which seemed to insult Pain a little bit), Mendo had told them due to this 'breakthrough', that they would get to move on to step 2. Konan's tears mysteriously disappeared after that, something Mendo seemed oblivious to, though Kusai had raised an eyebrow and made a few notes in her little book again.

The Akatsuki were starting to hate that book.

xxxxxxxxxx

Step 2: Coping

This was one of the few lessons the Akatsuki actually took to heart. For after two sessions of listening to Dr. Mendo babble on about 'healthy' ways for them to vent their frustrations that didn't include blowing something up, setting it on fire, or killing it outwardly, they decided that a healthy way to get rid of their current frustration (Mendo and Kusai) was to find new and exciting ways to kill them.

They even kept a little journal like Dr. Mendo suggested. It was called '10 Ways To Kill Your Therapists'. They included:

Setting a trap.

(It was unknown how exactly they both survived this, for when they all arrived at their appointment the next day, both Mendo and Kusai were in their usual places unharmed. Hidan refused to tell the others what kind of trap he had set, but being Hidan, they found it highly unlikely it had been quick, painless, or ineffective.)

Death by knives.

(After having Kisame set up a trap involving a large amount of kunai, kitchen knives, and a meat kleever, they had all waited in delight for either one of the two therapists to exit the room. Instead, after the session was over, Mendo stayed behind to do some paperwork while Kusai started talking on the phone with a former client. After an hour, both seemed a little suspicious as to why the Akatsuki hadn't left yet, so in order to throw them off the trail, they were forced to exit through the trapped door. Hidan complained about being used as a human shield, to which the others responded that if he didn't like it, he should have succeeded in killing them right the first time.)

Death by fire.

(Itachi pretended to sneeze and 'accidently' set off Amaterasu. Unfortunately, Mendo chose that moment to drop his pen and bend over to pick it up, so that Kakuzu's robe caught fire instead. Itachi put it out, but not before Kakuzu had set Sasori, Hidan, and Kisame ablaze as well.)

Hire an assassin.

(The Akatsuki were usually opposed to having others do their dirty work, but needing to recover from dangerous cursed fire burns, they decided it was necessary. Unfortunately for them, their chosen assassin had decided to put the hit on the therapists right when they were in another group therapy session, this one with the Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist. The assassin was eaten by Gluttony, though Kakuzu gleefully pointed out that now they would no longer have to pay him.)

Poison.

(This was a highly debated method, for several of them thought that perhaps it wouldn't be painful enough, however practicality won out, and Sasori was given the task of creating a poison to put in their tea. Which may have worked fine, if the tea hadn't somehow gotten switched. As it was, they spent the better part of an hour waiting for either Mendo or Kusai to drop, only to have Deidara and Konan become violently ill instead.)

Death by poison gas.

(After the ill-fated attempt at poisoning the tea, it was decided that perhaps an odorless airborne poison would work better. The downside was it didn't work, and Mendo and Kusai stepped away unscathed. The upside was they didn't have to go to therapy that day, since the building was temporarily shut down due to a 'gas leak'.)

Ambush.

(After coming to the conclusion that the two were far more clever than what they seemed, the group at large decided to wait by Dr. Mendo's car in an attempt to ambush him. They lay in waiting for over 6 hours, only to discover the next day that he walked to work.)

Ambush attempt number 2.

(The failure of ambush attempt number 1 left the group to wait outside of the building for Dr. Mendo to walk out...only to find he fell asleep in his office. They never did see Kusai either enter or leave the building, which re-enforced their prior assumptions that one of the two was highly skilled and clever.)

Set more traps.

(Blaming the first blunder on Hidan's incompetence, the seven remaining members each set a trap of their own. They ranged from elaborate set-ups with letter bombs, gasoline, and poison cobras to the classic poisoned pizza delivery and cut brakes on a car, and even an attempt involving a grand piano falling on the targets, but alas all were failures. They eventually came to the grudging conclusion that indeed, the two were either very skilled (or at least Kusai), very lucky (which seemed the likely case for Mendo), or both.)

Explosives.

(Deciding to screw being subtle, Deidara was allowed to rig the therapy room with explosives. However, despite his claims of it being impossible, Deidara instead rigged the explosives for the room across the hall...which Naraku from Inuyasha had been occupying. The resulting battle left Deidara with an acute wariness of wasps, and Naraku in a comatose like state from Itachi's Tsukiyomi. The explosion was blamed on faulty wiring, though again Kusai had stared at them all intently while making notes in her notebook the next day.)

They were finally put to a stop from deciding what to do next when Kusai, seeming bored and tired, told them it wasn't her first rodeo, and that it would be best if they quit before 'someone got hurt'. Still recovering from cursed burns, poison, and demonic wasp stings, the Akatsuki grudgingly conceded the point.

They did, however, give Mendo the journal at the end of the week. He was delighted they found such a 'harmless' way to vent their frustrations, keeping a journal like that, and announced that they had all completed Step 2.

If he made any connection to the journal and the recent 'accidents' in his life over the past week, he never voiced them. Which lead the Akatsuki to believe him indeed just very lucky.

* * *

**AN: **Hmm, Mendo makes me wonder. ^_^' Ah, anyway, kind of a short chapter for you, but it didn't quite fit with the last chapter, and wouldn't quite go with the next chap, so I left it as it is. The next one should be longer. :)

Hope you enjoyed! ^_^ And thanks for all the reviews, they're always appreciated!


	4. Good Samaritans

**AN: **I'm baaack! And with an update, no less. :) This is the longest chapter so far (I guess I'm making up for the short one before, haha), though when I write I don't really pay attention to the word count, to be honest. Anyways, I'd like to again stress that I am not a psychologist! I'm totally making this stuff up. So if I write something that sounds even halfway intelligent on the subject, it's a happy accident. ;)

And another thing to note here: For the most part, I tend to write the English translations of jutsu and titles for my fics (example: 'Shadow clone jutsu' instead of 'Kagebunshin no jutsu', 'Big brother' instead of 'Aniki' and so on and so forth), simply because it's easier on my poor spell check. Not always, but most of the time.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. For if I did, I would be filthy rich, and would proceed to hire an army of Naruto cosplayers, whom I would then force to do battle on a daily basis for my amusement. But I do own my OC's, Mendo and Kusai, who might actually battle for me, if I ask nicely.

* * *

Step 3: Kindness

"Pardon?" said Itachi politely, while the others simply fixed Mendo with looks that obviously inquired to the state of his mental health.

"Step 3: Perform A Random Act of Kindness." Dr. Mendo repeated with cheerful abandon. The looks he was receiving didn't cease.

"Yes, but what exactly does that _mean_?" said Deidara.

"It means just what I said, you're going to go out and perform a random act of kindness to somebody. It's one of the easiest steps there is." said Mendo, still refusing to drop his ridiculous smile.

"And just _how _is this supposed to help us, exactly?" demanded Hidan.

"I think what my idiot partner means is, how does this help 'reform' us?" Kakuzu clarified.

"Well..." Mendo said slowly, pulling off his spectacles to clean them on the end of his shirt. "As villains, you've almost always selfishly put your own needs first...with the exception of Itachi, here." he added, nodding towards the Uchiha. "Being kind and considerate to others simply isn't one of your defining traits, as a general rule. So this step mostly takes you out of your comfort zone, just in a small way."

When the group continued to give him blank looks, he sighed.

"All you have to do is perform a small act of kindness to somebody, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Even if it's simply holding a door open for someone. It's not difficult at all."

More blank looks.

"Just give me either a written or oral report, what ever you're most comfortable with, on what kind act you did during tomorrows session, okay?" said Mendo, putting his glasses back on. "You can leave now."

That, at least, got a reaction out of them. They had all either poofed or bolted before he had the chance to blink.

_The next day..._

"Alright, everyone, I've been looking forward to hearing about your good deeds. Who wants to start?" Mendo asked, in his usual chipper mood.

The Akatsuki's looks at him ranged from disinterest to completely pissed off.

"Well? How did it go?" he tried again, oblivious to the heightened blood-lust in the room. Most of it seemed to be coming from Kisame, who had scratches all over his face, and Deidara, who was bruised and battered looking, with odd lines on his face which Sasori was currently examining with interest. Most of the others simply looked bored or wary, though Itachi was humming lightly, a brown paper bag clutched in his hands.

When it became evident that, once again, no one was going to answer him, Mendo sighed and said "How about you, Hidan?"

"How about me what?" Hidan asked with a yawn.

"What was your act of kindness?" Mendo asked patiently.

"Oh, yeah, that. Uh, I thought about it, and decided that me not killing you right now is a tremendous act of kindness on my part." he said, leaning back in his chair. "Nice of me, eh?"

Mendo sweat-dropped, then decided to try Itachi. "You're always a treasure-trove of information, Itachi. What was your kind act?"

Itachi held up his bag. "It wasn't a grand gesture, I'm afraid." he said, opening the bag. "You see, I bought some onigiri last night before I went home. I was hungry, and they were very good, but I knew that baby brother also loves onigiri. So I saved him one to eat when he came home last night. See?"

He triumphantly pulled said onigiri out of the paper bag, holding it out for all to see.

"That was, ah, very kind of you, Itachi." said Mendo, a sweat-drop still visible. "But..."

"How did you save it for Sasuke if you brought it here?" Hidan asked, while the rest of the group gave Itachi annoyed looks.

"What?" Itachi asked blankly.

"If that's the one you saved, your little brother sure as hell didn't eat it." Hidan snapped with an eye-roll.

Itachi blinked, then looked down at the onigiri in his hand. "Damn." he muttered, before shrugging and taking a bite out of it.

Mendo still looked a little sheepish when he turned to Kisame. "And just what did you do, Kisame?"

Kisame gave Mendo a look of pure murder. "I rescued some kid's kitty out of a tree." he hissed through gritted teeth.

Mendo's face lit up. "That's wonderful!"

"No, he didn't." said Itachi, still munching on his snack, one leg crossed over the other.

"What do you mean, I didn't?! You were there!" fumed Kisame.

"I was, which was how I witnessed you killing the kitty." said Itachi, taking another bite.

"Did you see what the little bastard did to my face?!" yelled Kisame, pointing at the scratches on his face. "Plus I still rescued it, so it counts!"

Itachi glared. "If my onigiri doesn't count, neither does your dead cat."

"That-!" Kisame fumed, while Sasori began to talk over him.

"I entertained the poor distraught child afterward, that's my good deed." he said innocently.

"No, you didn't. You made everything worse." Kakuzu rumbled. Sasori looked mildly offended.

"I don't know what you mean, I helped the poor girl."

"No, you made her scream bloody murder. I'm the one who calmed her down, afterward." said Kakuzu.

"I don't think we witnessed the same events, then. Deidara, you were there, tell them what I wonderful thing I did." Sasori said, raising his eyebrows and turning to his partner.

"I was a little busy, yeah?!" Deidara snarled.

Sasori frowned. "Where you, now? I don't recall."

Deidara looked ready to lounge at Sasori, but Mendo intervened. "Now, what exactly happened? You all seem to have conflicting stories, here. You were all together?"

Kakuzu nodded solemnly. "Yes, it was just down the street from this building, actually."

Mendo nodded. "So what happened?"

"Well, we had all just left, and were deciding what to do, when..."

xxxxx

"What's wrong, little girl?" Itachi asked the sobbing child. She looked to be about 5 or 6 years old, and had been crying steadily since they had walked up to the street corner.

Kisame stood behind him, not paying much attention to them, while Sasori watched the child with mild interest, and Deidara with annoyed wariness.

Kakuzu was sitting on a bench a few feet away, counting some coins, while Hidan poked a dead squirrel he had found under the bench.

"Th-the kitty, he's stuck in the t-tree." the child sniffled, pointing to the tree a foot from the sidewalk they were standing on. "H-he won't come down, either!" she wailed.

The four Akatsuki standing by the girl looked up at the tree. "I see, that's a problem, isn't it?" said Itachi, turning back to the girl. He then looked pointedly at Kisame, who blinked back at him.

"It would be kind to help her, wouldn't it?" Itachi asked pointedly.

Kisame sighed. "I'll get your kitty, kid." he grumbled, walking over to the tree.

"R-really?" the little girl sniffed. Kisame didn't bother to answer, just walked up the tree using his chakra.

The girl's crying started to subside some, though she was still too sniffley for Deidara's taste, who wasn't all that comfortable around children to begin with, so he walked off a ways and left Itachi and Sasori with the kid.

He hadn't gotten very far when he heard a voice ask "Young man, do you think you could help me?"

Deidara looked for the source of the voice and found it to be that of a short old lady with thick glasses, standing on the curb beside him. "Huh?" he asked, annoyed.

"I don't see so well, and I need to get across the street. Do you think you could help me?" she asked, indicating the street with her cane.

Deidara's first impulse was to tell the crone to damn well try it herself, but he hesitated. "I suppose...I've nothing better to do, anyway, hmmm?" he sighed.

"Why, thank you, young man. Much obliged." croaked the woman pleasantly, grabbing his arm.

"Did you find it?" Itachi called up the tree.

"Almost, it's at the end of this branch, here...it keeps running away." came Kisame's gruff reply.

"Try calling for it." suggested Itachi.

"What? I don't-oh, fine. Er, here, kitty kitty kitty." Kisame grumbled, reaching out for the cat. It hissed at him.

"Come on, fur ball, I don't have all-Son of a bitch!" he snarled, as the cat launched itself at his face.

Below, Sasori raised his eyebrows slightly while Itachi frowned, as the sounds of the cat growling and snarling and Kisame's howls of fury echoed around them.

Kisame finally managed to rip the cat from his face and threw it down the tree, where it connected with the sidewalk with a splat, right in front of Itachi, Sasori, and the horrified little girl. Kisame jumped down in front of them as well.

"Uh...got it." he said.

"Oh my." muttered Sasori.

The child started screaming. "Kitty!" she wailed, throwing herself at Itachi's legs and sobbing hysterically.

Meanwhile, Deidara had managed to get exactly 2 feet away from the sidewalk with the woman. The traffic light had long since changed, and cars were whizzing by and honking at them. The old woman was completely oblivious to this, and continued to go on and on to Deidara about her grandchildren, walking at a snail's pace all the while.

A vein pulsed in Deidara's head, and he pulled the woman back a little, just before an oncoming truck could hit her. They made it another foot while she told him about how her little Rei-chan was starting Kindergarden this year.

"Ta-daa!" Sasori cried, brandished his fingers, which were attached to chakra strings, which were in turn attached to the corpse of the cat Kisame had thrown to it's death. "Kitty lives! See kitty, go play with your little friend." he said, making the cat, which was still flat on one side, walk up to the little girl, who stared at it in wide-eyed terror.

It's eyes were still open and glazed, and it's tongue was hanging out. The girl screamed at the top of her lungs and hide behind Itachi, who looked slightly disturbed.

"Plaaay wiiith meeee." said Sasori in a low voice that was supposed to sound like a cat, but instead sounded like creepy zombie. The little girl screamed louder and tried to climb up Itachi.

"Oh, come now, kitty just wants to be petted. Pet the kitty, Kisame." said Sasori, making the cat walk up to Kisame.

He gave it one disturbed look of alarm, then drop-kicked it into the street and oncoming traffic, where it hit the windshield of a bus. The bus swerved and nearly hit a car, before plowing over to the sidewalk Deidara and the old lady were finally approaching.

Deidara yelped in alarm and shoved the old woman out of the way. The bus plowed right over him.

The old woman looked around a second, then shrugged. "Young people, always in such a hurry." she sighed.

Kakuzu walked up to the group with an ice-cream cone. "Little girl, would you like some ice-cream?" he asked, ignoring the shouting match Sasori and Kisame had engaged in.

She looked at him with swollen, tear-filled eyes. "U-uh-huh..."

Kakuzu nodded, and held out the ice-cream. "That'll be 3.75." he said, holding out his empty hand as well. The girl looked at him blankly.

Itachi sighed and pulled a wad of bills and coins out of his pocket and handed it to the girl. She gave the money to Kakuzu, who gave her the ice-cream and a pat on the head.

She trudged off with the treat, giving Kisame and Sasori a wide berth.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"And that's what happened." Kakuzu finished with a shrug.

Mendo, Konan, and Pain all stared at him with their mouths open.

Miss Kusai looked up from her notebook to Itachi. "Pretty much, yeah." he said, answering her unasked question and popping the last bite of onigiri into his mouth. "So what did you two do?" he asked Pain and Konan.

"I put some extra change in someone's parking meter." said Pain, still staring in disbelief.

"And I helped some woman carry her groceries." added Konan, a look like Pain's on her face.

Kusai looked at her notes. "So other than Konan, Pain, and Deidara, none of you managed to pass the excercise. I'm not really surprised." she said in her usual tone.

The other Akatsuki all started to protest.

"We did too!"

"That's not fair!"

"What do you mean?"

"And just how did Deidara pass?! I didn't think becoming a human speed bump was considered kind." protested Sasori.

"What?" yelled Deidara.

"You didn't do anything kind." huffed Sasori. "Getting run over doesn't count."

"I was helping that old crone, wasn't I?" fumed Deidara.

Kusai sighed. "He passed because he actually did help the old lady, not because he became road-kill. The rest of you didn't do anything nice."

"I did too, I gave her the ice-cream." replied Kakuzu.

"No, you sold her the ice-cream." Konan pointed out.

"Yep, for twice what I paid for it, too." said Kakuzu, sounding pleased.

"The point is, all you managed to do was traumatize and take advantage of a 6-year-old girl. No kindness whatsoever, though Itachi, you did pay for the girl's ice-cream, so you pass as well." said Kusai, sitting back down.

By this time, Mendo seemed to have regained his speech. "W-well, half of you got it on your first try. This is a great improvement, overall. And you did try, that's important." he said, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe his face with. "I suppose the rest of you shall just have to try again..."

Kisame, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan all started arguing the point, before Hidan suddenly perked up.

"I told the bus to back up off of Deidara, that's kind, isn't it?" he asked.

"No." said Kusai, Mendo, Itachi, and a very pissed Deidara.

* * *

**AN: **Lol, I didn't realize the absurdity of this entire scenario until I read it again just now. But this is the most fun I've ever had writing fanfiction...I'm enjoying every minute of it! ;) I apologize for any mistakes in here ('cause I know they're there, despite my best efforts), and I hope it doesn't distract from the story.

Hope you guys liked it! Thanks for the reviews, and remember: they totally guilt/encourage me to update! ;)


	5. Excuses

**A/N: **Ahh, finally, an update! It's been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry to keep you guys waiting, it's been busy lately. ^_^' But once again I had fun unleashing the insanity of Mendo and Kusai upon the Akatsuki, and another chapter was born.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, for if I did the wholesome awesomeness of Minato Namikaze would have lived on, even though I know the whole premise and plot would have been shot to hell if he had. I do however own Mendo and Kusai, who do not care about premise or plot, nor the sacred Akatsuki uniform.

* * *

It took all week for the remaining Akatsuki members to perform their good deeds.

Kakuzu beat the crap out of a mugger that had attempted to pick-pocket him, and ended up inadvertently giving some woman her purse back (he regretted this terribly, but at Hidan's advice didn't tell Mendo or Kusai).

Kisame tracked down the little girl he'd traumatized, and presented her with a new kitten (as it turns out, the original cat wasn't hers but a stray, and her father was allergic).

Hidan's cloak got caught in a door, and while he was trying to wrestle it free he ended up holding it open for a group of highschool girls (the rest of the Akatsuki all protested that this just ment he was a pervert, but a somewhat frustrated Mendo said it still counted).

Sasori ended up being the hardest, for no matter what he did he managed to ruin the days (and possibly lives) of whomever he tried to 'help'. Eventually, he showed up to a meeting with Mendo's missing glasses in hand, which Mendo counted as his kind act (nevermind the glasses only went missing after Sasori had left the day before).

Needless to say, the group at large was relieved to move onto the next step.

xxxxx

Step 4: Letting Go

Dr. Mendo popped the bottle down in front of him for all to see, his signature grin plastered on his face. They didn't seem to care.

He continued to grin at them all without saying anything, until finally Deidara lost patience. "Well?" he asked.

"Well what?" Mendo answered, still beaming. A vein started throbbing on Deidara's head.

"What is it?" he snapped, pointing at the bottle. It was Miss Kusai that answered him.

"Nail polish remover." she said, though she had never looked up from her notebook.

"Er, what for?" Hidan asked blankly. Kusai looked up from her book at him, but only for an instant.

"Removing nail polish, of course." she said.

Even Itachi looked aggravated, then. "We know that, but why is it here?" he asked her through gritted teeth.

"It's going to help us with step 4." said Mendo cheerily.

"You mean you're finally drugging us?" Hidan asked hopefully. "I've been wondering what you were sniffing before you came in to work, this explains it."

Mendo's demeanor finally slipped a little. "Why-er, what?! No, nothing of the sort! I mean, ah." he sighed and wiped his face with a handkerchief. He cleared his throat and tried again. "We are now starting Step 4: Letting Go of Your Past Life As A Villain."

"You do realize that most of our transgressions are a direct result of us being unable to let go of our pasts, don't you?" Itachi asked politely.

"Why yes, I do." said Mendo, seeming pleased that at least one of them was taking some initiative in the meeting. "But this is going to help in a more...tangable manner."

"Which means?" snapped Deidara impatiently.

"Told you he was high." muttered Hidan.

"I've noticed these last few weeks that you're still wearing your cloaks." Mendo said, ignoring Deidara and Hidan.

"Yes, so?" Sasori asked with a yawn.

"Well, why?" Mendo questioned, his eyebrows raised at them.

"Er, what?" Konan asked this time.

"Why do you wear the cloaks?" Mendo repeated, gesturing at them all. "And the nail polish?"

"Because we're Akatsuki," answered Deidara, as though Mendo was slow. "And it's part of the uniform."

"Ahh, but you're not Akatsuki anymore, are you?" Mendo replied, smiling paternally.

Again, they all stared at him.

"What are you talking about? Of course we're Akatsuki!" Kisame said angrily.

There was a loud _snap!_ as Kusai slammed her book shut. "Actually, you aren't."

She walked in the middle of the group and ignored there angry protests and outcries, then turned to a page in one of her notes.

"The 'Akatsuki' are a group of villains from the Naruto series. You are no longer a part of the series, as we pointed out on day one, and are therefore no longer Akatsuki members." she said in her bored voice. "You are in a villain reforming support group. Again, the Akatsuki are a group of villains." She looked up at them then, staring down each and every one of them. "You are not Akatsuki, as they once were."

"B-but-!" protested Pain.

"Yet you are still wearing those gaudy cloaks and the nail polish because you still associate them with you identities, which you still view as villains a part of the Akatsuki." Kusai went on calmly.

"That's not true!" cried Deidara. Kusai fixed him with a glare.

"So it's a fashion statement, is it?" she asked dully.

"Er..." The Akatsuki looked stunned for a moment. Some started to squirm when Kusai looked at them pointedly.

"They're very warm." Kisame finally announced defensively. The other members all started to nod in agreement.

"I see." said Kusai, making a note in her little book. "You know it's summer right now, don't you? And even in winter here it doesn't get below sixty degrees farenheit."

Kisame seemed at a temporary loss for words, but Sasori found a comeback. "We're very cold natured. It keeps the wind from chilling us."

"Plus it keeps the sun off," added Deidara. "I burn easily."

"Do you now?" said Kusai, before turning her attention to Sasori. "And aren't you made of wood? I didn't think puppets got cold."

"W-well, all the more reason to wear the cloak. Most conventional heating methods are too much of a fire hazard for me, aren't they?" he stuttered defensively.

Kusai almost smirked at him, while everyone else in the room resisted the urge to face-palm. Clearly, they were grasping at straws.

"What about the nail polish, then?" Kusai asked. "I can't really think of any practical reason why you would have that."

All of the Akatsuki looked down at their nails. The half-embarrassed looks of defeat on their faces was almost comical.

"It's a nice color." Konan finally sniffed, holding out her hand.

"So it _is_ a fashion statement?" Kusai inquired, again scribbling in her notebook.

"Uh..."

"It makes me look less blue." Kisame declared, crossing his arms and raising his head in pseudo-dignity.

"It...hides the cracks in my nails?" Itachi suggested.

"It makes my nails look more human." sniffed Sasori.

"Helps hide the blood on mine." Hidan said gravely.

"Ditto." Kakuzu agreed.

"Mine are an unsightly, sickly yellow color without it." Deidara supplied.

"Really." muttered Kusai, scribbling faster.

"If that's the case, why don't you all choose a different color?" suggested Mendo with a sweat-drop on his head.

"Because this shade of blue is manly?" Itachi suggested, almost sheepishly.

"And it makes me look less blue." Kisame reminded him. If you were looking very hard, it almost looked as if he was blushing.

"Since when is nail polish manly at all?" Kusai questioned without looking up. "I think that color looks more feminine, myself."

"We just have our reasons, okay?!" Deidara cried, looking flustered. Most of the others nodded in agreement.

"How about you, Nagato?" Mendo asked politely, smiling at Pain.

"U-um, what?" he asked, looking nervous.

"Well, you're the one who told them to wear the cloaks and polish to begin with...why? And why do you still wear them?" Mendo questioned.

Pain looked down at himself for a minute, not speaking and not moving. Everyone else in the room (minus Kusai) stared intently at him, waiting for an answer. Finally he took a deep breath.

"The cloaks were just part of the uniform, but they are easy to hide weapons and such in, and they're comfortable. They have lots of pockets." Pain said, looking up at Mendo. The rest of the Akatsuki nodded quickly in agreement.

"The nail polish..." he began, glancing quickly around the room. "Well, it's actually a poison-based polish. If we happen to scratch someone in battle, it will slow down their reflexes, you see?" he said, nodding gravely. "It's for battle, and top-secret."

"Really?" asked Hidan, before Kakuzu kicked him. The rest of the Akatsuki muttered and nodded, mimicking Pain's grave manner.

"That wasn't in the report we were given. I've never heard of this," said Kusai, her expression changing to one of mild interest. This somewhat disturbed the Akatsuki, this being the first time they had witnessed her expression differing from her usual bored look.

"Top-secret. Not even Kishimoto himself knows." said Pain, sweat-dropping.

"I see." Kusai said, staring at him without blinking while she turned to a fresh page in her notebook. For his part, Pain didn't look away or blink back.

Finally, Mendo cleared his throat and interrupted their stare-down. "Now, uh, let's get back on topic." he said, raising the nail polish remover and giving it a little shake. "Letting go of your past, remember? I think it's time to let go of those uniforms, don't you?"

"Did we or did we not just give you a list of, er, valid reasons why we shouldn't?" Itachi muttered, glaring at him. This whole meeting had put him in a bad mood.

"You have several reasons, none of which were valid." was Kusai's response. Mendo nodded, somehow making it look patronizing.

"I do believe Miss Kusai has a point. Come now, it won't be difficult." he added as they all gave him looks of incredulity.

"How about we start small, with the polish?" he suggested. Almost in unison, all of the Akatsuki crossed their arms and narrowed their eyes. Mendo sighed.

"How about you take of the cloaks, then? At least for this meeting...?" he coaxed.

More angry glares.

"Must be body conscious." Kusai muttered quietly, sitting down.

"We are not!" snapped Deidara, uncrossing his arms to point at Kusai.

"Then prove it," she said with a shrug.

Deidara sniffed and pulled his cloak off, throwing it in his chair and sitting on it.

"There, see, hmmm? I've got nothing to be self-conscious about, yeah!" he spat as he slumped in his chair.

"You mean, besides the extra mouths on your hands and chest?" Hidan drawled. The vein on Deidara's head started throbbing.

"What was that, zombie-boy?" he hissed.

"You heard me you moth-"

"Alright alright, that's enough!" Mendo cut across quickly. "Um, er, see? Deidara's taking some initiative, so why don't we all-"

"Huh." said Kusai suddenly, staring at Deidara with interest. "I think I must apologize, Deidara. With your cloak off, you look more masculine than Sasori or Itachi."

Deidara deflated a little, then looked smug. "Oh, uh, yeah. Yes I do. I look pretty good, hmmm?"

"He does not!" snapped Sasori, standing and looking offended. "He looks like a flat-chested girl!"

Itachi just stared at Kusai like he couldn't believe she would dare remark that he looked more feminine than Deidara.

"Well, he did when he was wearing the cloak, but now..." Kusai trailed off as she gestured at them.

A few of the others looked back and forth between them, then nodded or shrugged. Sasori looked scandalized, while Itachi simply stood and removed his cloak as well, tossing it over the back of his chair.

"I was only wearing it so I could rest my arm in it anyway." he replied casually as Kisame gave him his version of a 'What the hell?' look. Itachi just shrugged and looked at Kusai pointedly.

"Apologies, you're the epitome of masculinity." she deadpanned, reaching over and taking a sip of her tea.

"Oh please, he still looks like a woman. He and Deidara could be Sasuke and that Yamanaka girl's older sisters." Sasori huffed.

Hidan started laughing, while Kisame managed to turn his snicker into a cough when Itachi turned to him coldly. Deidara looked ready to throw his chair at Hidan.

"At least I've got something to show off! What have you got, bits and pieces sewed, super-glued, and stapled together by Kakuzu?" Deidara sneered at him.

Hidan didn't bother restraining himself and _did_ throw his chair, letting loose a string of explicits as he did so. Deidara dodged and threw Mendo's teacup at him in retaliation; luckily it was empty when it cracked against Kakuzu's face.

xxx

"Was that really necessary, Miss Kusai?" sighed Mendo as a small battle of sorts waged across the room.

Several weeks' worth of frustrations had finally exploded among the Akatsuki. Most seemed to have forgotten about ninjutsu entirely, and were simply beating each other up with either bare knuckles or furniture. Sasori was sitting on Deidara and scraping his face across the floorboards, while Kisame was wielding one of Pain's chakra rods like a sword and smacking people with reckless abandon.

The only exceptions to the royale were Itachi, who looked oddly satisfied as he watched the proceedings, and Konan. Pain had been dragged into the fight after somebody flipped the coffee table into him and he tried to restore order. He was now semiconscious on the floor with said coffee table lying cracked on top of him.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Kusai answered. "Look, they all took off their cloaks, at least."

Sure enough, during the course of the fight they had all removed their cloaks; presumably so as not to restrict their movements during close-combat. Or to keep someone from grabbing hold of them and knocking whoever into the floor, as Kakuzu did to Hidan.

"It looks as though we'll have to work on coping with frustrations again." Mendo said, shaking his head sadly. "They were doing so well, too."

Konan suddenly jumped into the fray, seemingly to attempt to rescue Pain, knocking Sasori off of Deidara in her haste.

Someone chose that moment to lob the empty nail-polish remover bottle at Itachi, who finally cracked. He hurled a fire-style jutsu at the group.

Unfortunately, the bottle was empty because it had exploded all over them while being used as a weapon.

Which was how the Akatsuki discovered just how flammable nail-polish remover was, not to mention how much worse things get when two members are made of paper and wood.

* * *

**A/N: **Well. That escalated quickly. Lesson learned, children: Never engage in a bare-knuckles brawl in therapy, especially with a bunch of psychotic ninja who know fire-style jutsu. Bad things happen.

I feel as though I should add a mini-disclaimer here: I totally made that crap about the Akatsuki nail polish up. Actually, to be more precise, Pain made it up. I really have no idea why they wear nail polish, and my research into the topic came up nothing.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed, or added to their favorites. ^_^ I'm glad you guys liked it, and I always appreciate feedback!


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